Thanks for.....

the beach house, warm weather at the beach in the middle of fall
conversations about literature! (with the last people I'd imagine would care so much)
homemade pancakes with chocolate chips and whipped cream
the sound of the ocean outside the windows
the crazy and amazing girls in our ward
my camera phone
being reunited with my big sister in LA
shopping at the Beverly Center with Briezy
warm California weather on thanksgiving!
amazing food
being with the Dalands and Cooks and Chens
the Daland's cute house
Chloe singing her cute songs
watching football everyday
seeing New Moon with sister
Jacob Black
going shopping again with Brianna: the mall, Target, Joanns
going to the Sorensens
blasting Christmas music in Clay's BMW
singing to Christmas music with Clayton and Anna
Clayton's singing and hand motions
playing a 3 hour card game until 1:30 in the morning
the laughs of everyone around the table
USC football....so happy they won
finishing The Summoning and starting a new book
going to bed around 1 or 2 every single night
church and my favorite little kids (the Lytles and Dalands)
talking to Nick
my boots
not wearing my brace
talking to Robert
other people's stories
the trial(s) I'm going through now
prayer and this gospel

Newport

newport is beautiful. the temple is beautiful and the best friend who i didnt get to see is beautiful.

just because

Rules: you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
yeah...I'm not gonna tag anyone, but here it goes...

1) when i was little i was deathly afraid of fireworks. i just thought they would come all the way down and kill us all. haha. but i prayed during the whole firework show on 4th of July that that wouldn't happen. and now i LOVE fireworks!!
2) i want to have 5 kids: 3 girls and 2 boys. call me crazy
3) the reason i want 5 kids is mainly because of the Daland family who i used to babysit all the time. they're the cutest family
4) i get headaches/migraines daily. I'm basically immune to the brown Advil now.
5) i think about the past A LOT
6) i miss all of my past friendships
7) now, I'm DEATHLY afraid of clowns. I'll cry if i see one.
8) i probably watch too much TV. but i only watch the good shows, i promise
9) for some reason, people always think I'm smart and i get good grades. just because I'm semi-quiet in class doesn't mean I'm an amazing student. actually i have horrible grades. but at least i try hard
10) i only let myself eat healthy cereal. the only exception is crunch berries and peanut butter crunch every once in a while
11) i love traveling and road trips. i like getting away from this bubble and seeing new and beautiful things
12) i get lost in music and dance
13) it absolutely kills me that i can't dance now. it's so painful to watch people dance. i even get jealous of seeing people just walking around normally and easily
14) i have trust issues
15) Disneyland really is the happiest place on earth!! at least, in my world it is.
16) i want to live in LA, SD, NY, and on the beach at some point in my life. (not all at once of course)
17) if i had to choose a super power i would choose invisibility and mind reading. just think of how useful they would be. so much more useful than flying
18) i still have my baby blanket
19) i'm not sure who my real friends are anymore
20) i think about him everyday.
21) i have many nicknames. i like them a lot
22) i am major OCD about having clean hands. i wash my hands so many times during the day. i cannot stand having dirty hands. it's just disgusting
crap i cant think of any more right now, i shall finish laterrrr

Heartwarming

this is a beautiful journey. it makes me want to drive across country. just taking pictures of absolutely everything. but even more, it makes me wish my relationship with my father was like this one. this girl is so lucky. her father shows his love for her with more than a few nice things every once in a while. he would do EVERYTHING for her. sacrifice EVERYTHING. she is his life. she means the WORLD to him. and i wish i had that. they know each other so well. in the photos, in the letters, you can literally feel the connection, the love, the knowledge. it was so uplifting to look at their journey, but for me, kind of sad. because i want that.
in his beautiful portraits of his daughter, you can see the strength and confidence in her eyes. the strong woman that he raised so perfectly. she's her own self though. and he sees and knows that.
and then the love and admiration she has for him. it's unbelievable. maybe just because i have never truly experienced that. I've only experienced fear, sorrow, shyness. he doesn't know me. he doesn't understand what i love and dream of. but she admires her father so much. me, i just hope to never be like my father. i hope my husband will be a better father to our kids than my father was to us. he isn't even much of a father. more like a father figure. and that is so sad. but so true.
but this journey, of this girl and her father, it is just perfect.

Cold Air

Today was cold and lonely. the skies are white and gray. there's no rain. I'm waiting for something, but i have no clue what it is. a change of some sort.
ever since my knee injury, that is pretty much the only thing that I'm ever thinking about. my head throbs along with my knee. it's painful everyday. but a new pain in a new place. my mind is so pre-occupied. i feel so distant from the world. from my world. i can't tell what I'm doing really. it's such a weird feeling. this feeling of detachment. i don't know what to do with the days. there's nothing really. just sitting on the couch, leg extended and elevated with an ice pack resting on it. watching the same shows over and over. it's like i don't have any friends anymore. i feel like i don't know who anyone is. maybe it's because when i try to explain to them the stuff about my knee, they don't really care. they don't listen. they don't sympathize as i want them to. but i knew that no one would know exactly and understand what I'm going through. i knew they wouldn't want to hear all that much about it. other than the people who have been through it. but i still want them to. and a part of me needs them to. that is why i feel lonely and lost. i don't have someone who really actually cares that much, enough to listen to everything i complain about concerning my knee. but i just realized, the only person i truly need and that will always listen and cry with me, is my Savior. yeah, i would really like other people to be like that too, but it's just not going to happen. so i am so very grateful for Him. He has made me feel peaceful about this and He has comforted me. i love him so much.

wow, i didn't really know what this post was going to be about, but i didn't think it would lead to me talking about all of that haha. i really just wanted to post this hilarious story that i just read from the Rockstar Diaries. i loved it. and it made me even more excited for the holidays :) i just wished it snowed here :(

{photo by me in Utah last winter}

San Diego, my love

to start off my wonderful weekend, my family went to the BYU Ballroom Company show in Oxnard. it was pretty fantastic. i loved the costumes and the dancing, of course. and we found such a cute place in Oxnard on the way. it looks like Utah! it was so pretty and magical looking. I'm definitely going there again, especially to take pictures.
Saturday morning, me and Kayla drove 3 hours down to San Diego. no traffic. it was nice. we met up with everyone at their stake center. i walked into the cultural hall with perfect timing. the whistle in Ash and Katrina's basketball game had just been blown to call a timeout. they both ran over to me and gave me a nice hug, since they were sweaty and all, trying not to cover me in it. haha. after their game we gathered the troops and went to El Pollo Loco. their dad paid. he is the nicest man i think I've ever met. i love both of their parents. after, we went to their house to get ready for the game. after Katrina lost a ticket, and jeanique found it under our car, we were off to meet up with their dad again. once with him and on the freeway, we realized we didn't have the tickets. jeanique left them in Ashlee's car. we went back then were off once again to Qualcomm Stadium. we got a sweet parking spot and started walking up to the stadium. but we left the tickets in the car. so we went back (again). once inside the stadium, we ran around basically the whole thing, looking for where we were allowed to sit. we missed the whole pregame show. bleh. the game was fun, but felt more like a baseball game because the stadium wasn't packed, and, well, it was a pretty boring game. BYU won 38-28. Ashlee was mad that Katrina was cheering for both teams. haha. after the game, we went back to Ashlee's car and went to pick up Robert. squishing 4 people into the back seat all the way to downtown. we had a dance partayyy and drank Monsters. my favorite :) Robert bought mine and Kayla's ticket for the haunted hotel (arghhh), then we had to wait in line for only about three hours. no biggie. oh my hells, it was horrible. then we FINALLY went through. i was gripping onto Katrina so hard that my left arm hurt so badly afterward. it was pretty freaking scary. i basically just looked down at my feet the whole time though, not willing to look around and enjoy the scenery. we drove straight home after, all of us so exhausted and tired. Sunday, we ate waffles and went to church. their ward is ridiculously small and old. i don't know what they would think if they came to my ward! Robert's two little sisters were there. they are adorable. and he is SO good with them. it made me so happy, but also sad for some reason.... After sacrament, we had to say our goodbyes. i don't know why Kayla wanted to leave then, but whatever. we totally could have stayed much longer. i absolutely hate saying goodbye. but I'm hoping they can come up for winter concert.
i love these people with all my heart and i'm so thankful i have them in my life!!!!

rain, rain, don't go away

i usually despise the rain. i hate it when it comes. but this year i love it. just like how i love fall so much this year. i know how much California has been needing the rain, so this is a blessing. and I've been looking forward to wearing big jackets and boots :) i love the feeling of the rain just washing everything away and cleansing the earth. that's what i need for my life right now. for it to be cleansed. all the bad things washed away. i want them to leave my mind and to stop haunting me. I'm praying for that. it will happen. i can feel it.
and for a start, I'm going to San Diego this weekend!!!!!!! me and Kayla are going to the BYU vs. SDSU game! i've never been to a BYU game, so it should be fun and different. which is good, different is good. and of course, katrina and ashlee are going! then we're gonna hang out all day!! and hopefully spend the night if kayla stops being so stubborn. well, i am more than excited. i need these people in my life right now, if only for a day.
hummmmm
as depressed as i somewhat feel right now, i just have to think about going to SD on saturday and a huge smile takes over my face :))

{pictures soon}